But Jason, my free time is spent watching porn, not reading it.
I get that. And like the true humanitarian that I am, I'm here to help. I'm going to give you the Cliff Notes version of the book, chapter by chapter, so you know exactly what people are talking about when the ladies start giggling and blushing as you walk down the aisles of the hardware store.
Like our man Christian Grey himself, let's not waste any time and jump right into it...
CHAPTER ONE:
We are quickly introduced to our two main characters, Miss Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. What is this, a book or a porno?
Oh, wait...
Anyway, Anastasia (Ana to her friends, but I don't know her that well yet, so I'll remain formal for now) shows up at Christian Grey's office to do an interview for the college newspaper; filling in for her friend Kate who is sick. She doesn't know really much of anything about this guy. We find out that apparently every employee is a gorgeous blonde woman. I like his style already.
After waiting outside of his office, she's ushered inside. Where she promptly trips and falls on her ass. This is a recurring theme as we will find out. She looks up to see a man there. He's young. He's ridiculously wealthy. He's smart. He's gorgeous. And he's a ginger.
Wait, what?
Yeah, this is definitely fiction.
Anyway, they go on to do the little interview. She can't spit the questions out without stuttering and making a general ass of herself. Turns out that ole' Christian Grey appears to be an asshole and has no soul. And he's a ginger.
Now we're back to reality.
But the first shocker of the book comes quick... Christian Grey is not gay. (SAY SWEAR!!!)
Interview's over, out she goes and on her way home.
CHAPTER TWO:
More trouble walking for Miss Steele. She finds a way to crawl into work (she works at a local hardware store) anyhow. Fortunately she doesn't work at Home Depot, because if something happens to your legs there, you'll never be able to escape and it'll take months for someone to find your remains.
And out of nowhere, Christian comes in the hardware store... errrrr, perhaps I should rephrase: Out of nowhere, Christian arrives at the hardware store. Wouldn't want to confuse anyone there.
Well then, Mr. Grey! Nice to see you! What can I help you find? (She says all this while still stumbling over her words and sounding borderline retarded) Quite obviously, he's there to buy cable ties, masking tape and rope. Duh.
Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrl, you better watch out. You're either getting murdered and left where nobody will find your body (may I suggest the upper deck at a Raiders game? Nobody ever goes there) or this guy is into some kinky shit.
I think he's got ulterior motives, personally. But Christian, if you want to shut her up and stop all that stuttering, duct tape is more effective.
Anyway, Christian offers to do a photo shoot for the article. Gives Miss Steele his number.
CHAPTER THREE:
Kate is sure that he's into Anastasia. Psssh, what makes you think that!? Anastasia is all giddy and excited. Easy, tiger. He still wants to tie you up. So they set up the photo shoot and Anastasia's friend Jose (who just wants to have some regular, no frills sex with Miss Steele but isn't getting anywhere) takes all the pictures... Blah, blah, WHERE'S ALL THE KINKY SEX!? I'VE SPENT 30 MINUTES ON THIS BOOK!
Err, nevermind.
Afterwards, Christian asks Miss Steele out to coffee. Kate warns Anastasia about this guy... There's something she doesn't like about him. And she's worried, because Anastasia is inexperienced.
Is she now?
Turns out, ole' Ana is a virgin (once I know how many people you've slept with, we can drop the formalities), hasn't kissed a guy OR held hands. You know how some people teach their kids to swim by just tossing them into the deep end? I have a feeling it's going to be very similar to this.
Christian doesn't waste any time in popping the hand holding cherry as they leave for coffee. They get busy psychoanalyzing each other over coffee and tea. They leave and are walking back to the hotel when she trips and falls again.
Just sayin'.
Anyway, she falls... Right. Into. His. Arms. OMG~!
CHAPTER FOUR:
Ana desperately wants a kiss. Christian says no. All without talking. They have quite the connection already, I must say.
And, like a typical woman who's waited 21 years for a kiss, she goes running off crying. I get the vibe that our resident ginger has a problem taking advantage of an easy mark. Christian, my friend... sometimes the lion eats the antelope with the limp. It still tastes like antelope. Just sayin'.
Anyway, days go by and Ana finishes finals and graduates college! WHOO! Now you can apply for a shift leader position at Arby's like most college grads are forced to do these days.
But before you embark on that career of deep fryers and value menus, it's time to get drunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk! Yessssssss. Turns out she's never been drunk either. Where the Hell did you go to college, woman!?
Jose runs off, scurrrrrrrrrred. Ana pukes in the bushes while Christian holds her hair like a good friend. Good friends don't usually use "floggers" on each other, but I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here. They go inside and dance, which is a disaster waiting to happen. She can't walk, sober. And now she's trying to dance, drunk. What do you think is about to hap- ope, there she goes. Falls down, passed out.
CHAPTER FIVE:
Ana wakes up in Grey's suite, sans pants.
The end.
Okay, just kidding. She gets all worried, wondering if he, umm... you know... No, Ana... Christian likes his women "sentient and receptive". Psh. That shit is overrated.
So, anyway, they go back and forth for a bit and then she decides she needs a shower. You think? You've been falling all over the place, drinking and vomiting on yourself. You probably smell like a bum's nut sack. She decides to go masturbate in the shower, American Beauty style.
They sit down and have breakfast, where he explains he's not really into flowers and romance. He has more "singular tastes". And then he tells her he wants to bite her lip. She dares him. He says no.
CHRISTIAN! SHE DARED YOU! THAT SHIT IS SACRED!!
We find out that Christian wants signed consent. Now that's what I'm talking about. When you're that rich, you get signed agreements before you get laid, let alone before getting married.
This is new to her (what isn't?), but he says he's going to pick her up later in his helicopter, where all will be revealed. FINALLY.
She goes into the bathroom and decides to brush her teeth with his toothbrush. Okay, we're only five chapters in, but the only psycho in this book so far appears to be Miss Steele. #brosbeforehoes
They go down in the elevator where she starts biting her damn lip again. "Oh, fuck the paperwork" he says and we get into a rough make out session. Christian asks himself... "What is it about elevators?" Personally, I think it's the music. Makes me all kinds of horny.
CHAPTER SIX:
They head out to the car, where we hear "Sex on Fire". Of course it is. He's a ginger.
Christian drops her off at her apartment, where we find Kate along with Elliot (Christian's brother, who seduced Kate the night before). Elliott seems like a pretty normal, cool dude. He's not a ginger.
Later that day, Christian picks Ana up in the helicopter for a ride to his place in Seattle. While staring at him, she determines that she wishes to lick his stubble.
What the Hell? Every chick I've ever kissed gets pissed about my stubble. Says it messes with their skin or some nonsense. And this chick wants to lick it. YOU HEAR THAT, LADIES!? STUBBLE IS TO BE RESPECTED! GET WITH THE TIMES!
Some guys have all the luck. And a helicopter. And a gazillion dollars. At least I'm not a ginger.
Finally, Ana gets around to the point of her visit:
"Does this mean you're going to make love to me tonight, Christian?" Holy shit... Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.
"No, Anastasia it doesn't. Firstly, I don't make love. I fuck... hard."
Alright, now Ana's not the only one sans pants. I left mine in a crumpled heap on the floor in anticipation.
Editor's Note: Pants are required at the Starbucks in Rancho Cordova, apparently.
CHAPTER SEVEN:
We get to see Christian's pad. Seems pretty nice. Then he decides to show off the pièce de résistance... the kinky sex room. Boo ya.
I don't see what everyone made a big deal out of about Christian Grey's tastes. Seems like pretty run of the mill stuff in here to me. Sure, the crucifix on the wall seems a little extreme, but at least he's using leather cuffs to hold people there. Jesus used nails. Pussy.
Ana takes this all pretty well, considering.
"You're a sadist?"
"I'm a Dominant." His eyes are a scorching gray, intense.
"What does that mean?" I whisper.
"It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things."
You hear that, ladies? That's what men expect of you these days. And here I am, single. All I want is a sandwich occasionally. Is that so much to ask?
I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea.
"Why would I do that?"
"To please me,"
Duh.
So, the pair come out and have some grapes. And before you ask, I don't know if they were green grapes or red grapes. But it's time to get down to business. Christian has Ana sign a NDA (Non Disclosure Agreement for all of you who aren't familiar with the contracts that surround rich people getting together for casual sex), and then busts out a few other documents. The first of which is the agreement that Ana will have to stick to, which includes (amongst other things):
The Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.
WELL THEN. He also gets to determine her diet, her wardrobe and her workout regimen. She takes this in stride too (this is what happens when you don't get laid for awhile, folks). So what is a "hard limit", you ask?
No acts involving fire play.
But you're a ging... nevermind. I'll stop picking on them. Sorry, Mom. You were excluded from all the ginger comments.
No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof. No acts involving needles, knives, piercing, or blood. No acts involving gynecological medical instruments. No acts involving children or animals.
Christian seems a bit surprised that she seems to be cool with all of this. Especially when she drops the bombshell that we, the observant readers, are already in the circle of trust about:
Oh, BTW - I'm a virgin.
CHAPTER EIGHT:
He is very upset that he was unaware of this.
So, wait... Mr. Christian Grey. Business tycoon, master of reading people... this chick can't put together a complete sentence without stuttering, she can't walk ten yards without falling on her face, she can't drink a margarita without vomiting all over herself... you couldn't tell she was a virgin?
But I'm forced to retract my statement about him having no soul, because he offers this olive branch:
He's going to make love to her.
But Christian, you told us that you don't make love!
That's right, friends and neighbors... Our white knight is going to make an exception. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This makes her happy. How happy?
Desire, thick and hot, pools in my belly.
I'm pretty sure that was the oatmeal you had for breakfast, but whatever you say, dearheart.
Side note: It's taken me eight chapters to notice, but Ana says "hot" a lot. Not to be confused with an Alot.
So, finally... after 21 years (or eight chapters, depending on your perspective), Ana is going to get laid. And it appears that she's enjoying herself.
My nipples bear the delicious brunt of his deft fingers and lips, setting alight every single nerve ending in my body so that my whole body sings with the sweet agony.
I'm feeling a little sad for myself right now, because to my knowledge, I have never made a woman's whole body sing with the sweet agony.
I do have deft fingers, though. Comes with being a hand model, you understand.
She ends up having two orgasms...
...coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.
Wow. My washing machine's spin cycle has never damaged any of my clothes and it's pretty cheap, so I'm not sure I understand the metaphor here.
In a few paragraphs, Christian is up and ready to go again, this time from behind.
But not before he gives us a little foreshadowing...
"I want to fuck your mouth, Anastasia, and I will soon," his voice is hoarse, raw and his breathing more disjointed.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Christian, but uhh... what page were you going to be doing that on?
Ahem. So anyway, after some more love making (not to be confused with hard fucking)...
"You. Are. So. Sweet," he murmurs between each thrust. "I. Want. You. So. Much."
I moan.
"You. Are. Mine. Come."
And apparently Christian Grey has transformed from eloquent businessman to Johnny 5.
And finally, even the wildly virile Christian Grey succumbs to the male requirement of a post-coital nap.
Whew. After all that, I think I'm going to take a nap, too.
Tune in next week for the next chapter in the epic thriller 50 Shades of Grey~!
